I had originally planned to do a 100% vegan (sometimes raw) food blog but it didn't work out as I planned so I've canned that idea. I realised that what I really wanted to do was to share my wellness journey with you; a journey devoted to being and staying happy despite suffering from depression for the last 35+ years. There will still be loads about food - mostly vegan - since food plays such a vital role in my wellness regime.

If you suffer from depression, I hope what I put out in this blog is helpful to you.

The reason for using the yin-yang symbol at the top of this page is quite deliberate - my lifetime goal is to stay in balance. I characterise and visualise the management of my depression as striving to remain in balance - attempting to remain dead centre between the positive and the negative.

To kick off, below, I have pasted a blog post from a while back. It has all the themes that I would like to explore further over the course of this journey.

Happy? It's a question I ask myself every day when I wake up. Invariably, the answer is yes. As a depression sufferer of more than 35 years, that might sound contradictory - life is not without its challenges.

My wellness journey started about 10 years ago - it will never end but my goal - to be and to remain happy - is significantly closer to me than it ever was. How? The question I am asked first by most of the people who speak to me on the subject.

This recipe is a personal one - you can't buy the product off the shelf [I only wish you could]. All I urge you to do is to experiment with the ingredients and see for yourself what works. I am not telling you what to do - I cannot accept the responsibility for your choices/outcomes - that does not mean I am not compassionate - I will literally do anything for anybody because to do so makes me happy - but I am not interested in control.

My goal is - to be and to remain happy. Everything I do is designed or chosen with that goal in mind. Could I be happier? Yes. What am I doing to be and remain, and even further, my happiness?

I'm in the fortunate position to be able to write and share my stories - as my principal occupation [I won't say job], I'm incredibly lucky that I have found what I love to do the most - I can't imagine doing anything else. That was a relatively long journey in itself - I didn't begin writing until 2009, at the tender age of 44, and I didn't start publishing until the end of 2012.

The triumvirate of a healthy diet, regular exercise and a decent amount of sleep. I'm largely vegan - that doesn't in itself make my diet healthy but being a vegan has caused me to be more mindful of what I eat - and I cook a lot more these days. I walk whenever I can - it helps to have a dog that need a lot of exercise. I sleep for on average 8 hours per night. These aspects of my daily routine are a great barometer of my general state of mind - when I detect that something is wavering/going off track, for example, when my appetite is poor, my sleep is broken or I feel lethargic, I know to look for something else to account for the change.

I make time daily for meditation.

Writing is a creative process but I also need other creative processes - I really enjoy multi-media art work.

When I can, I get in the garden and plant things. I need the sun and the wind and the rain [not snow] - we are elemental.

I have to have projects that need collaboration - hence The Carter Seagrove Project. Working with other artists is fundamental to my creative process; be it, working on text, cover designs, video or any other kind of medium. Why is collaboration so important? I think it has to do with sharing ideas, energy and learning through doing - plus, collaboration inevitably means compromise, sometimes tolerance and patience [my worst failing is being impatient], and most importantly, achieving a shared vision of an outcome - which requires a lot of communication and understanding, especially when neither of the parties is necessarily working in their preferred medium, or speaking in their native language. Collaboration is, by default, challenging - challenge creates energy.

I think a lot about energy - all is energy - what does it really mean?

When I am working towards my goal, having expressed my intent as honestly as I know how, and I have accepted the price I am paying for my choice, and I am clear about the rewards that I will gain, the energy to achieve things just flows - energy follows intention. I give of my resources and I receive energy back.

Rarely does money come into the equation - I work in exchange for the things I need - that is the best manifestation I can think of that describes the energy cycle.

Happiness is a function of honesty. Am I truly happy or am I deluding myself? If I am deluding myself ... why?

This is a daily self-challenge. Am I staying where I am/doing the things I am doing not because I am happy but because I am afraid to move/change? I regularly audit what is going in my life and whether it is truly making me happy, and whether I need to change something to keep on track. A change in my core indicators of appetite/exercise/sleep usually indicates that I am not being honest with myself about something - though I may be in the middle of processing it and just not finished yet. What is likely to be the cause?

1. Not saying something when something needs to be said - I am blunt and to the point but there will always be times when I keep my mouth shut when I should have addressed the issue immediately
2. I choose an easy option in an attempt to avoid paying the [full] price for my choice - murder will out, as they say
3. I lapse in my daily routine - I can afford to do that occasionally but not regularly [why do I lapse? I think the underlying depression simply erodes my resolve slowly but surely until it becomes manifest again].

Fear stopped me from achieving my goal - that was much truer in the past, not so true now. What was I afraid of?

• What people thought of me and what I was doing [the biggest fear and inhibitor to my happiness]
• Being different/drawing attention to myself
• Failing/making a mistake
• Succeeding

It has taken ten years to shed those fears. Now, I am blissfully unconcerned with these things - and many others. Yesterday I shaved my long hair off because it was bugging me so much - it's difficult here to find a decent barber and it was getting untidy [especially around the back of my neck], and I noticed that it was getting much thinner of late - I buzzed it all off. I feel totally liberated and regretful that I didn't do it years ago - but why hadn't I?

A recipe for happiness?

What's my goal - be specific - a simple goal, well said.
Everything I do is for/towards my goal
What makes me happy? Sharing, conversation, writing, reading, movies, gardening ... so do those things!
Good food
Regular exercise
Plenty of sleep and rest
Meditation
Regular study - it doesn't matter what - last course I did was on screen-writing, the next could be on macramé
Collaboration on a project
A daily audit - am I happy, truly happy? How are my dials? Is something wavering?
Daily - Do the most important thing that needs to be done - hang the rest, don't stress it
Deal with things when they need to be dealt with/be blunt [and as polite as needed]
Recognise when you don't have all the data ... and go and get it
Remove negative influences - that includes people [it mostly includes people]
Forget calendars, schedules, plans - be in today [why worry about what could happen tomorrow when you have today to enjoy first?]
Be honest
Challenge fear - break it down and understand it, take a deep breath and scream out loud - FUCK OFF FEAR!
Dance
Change your playlist
Clean all your windows
Get rid of everything that you don't need; preferably by giving it to someone who needs it
Write your thoughts down
Volunteer at your local animal rescue shelter
Plant herbs in your garden [and use them!]

I am not an expert, except when it comes to my own happiness. I am no therapist or doctor - sometimes you need advice - get it but do not become dependent on it, and avoid always looking for others to validate your choices/actions - because no one really cares, and often they are validating your choices in order to validate their own choices.

I hope you join me on this journey.

Alp Mortal